January 4, 2009I don't know what to call this one.
I’m just a fool believing in what I don’t understand.
To think that maybe I can fall in love. Thinking, “I don’t deserve you.” Well now I think I shouldn’t love you Dear, what am I doing here? Heartbroken, I wouldn’t say Then maybe I’m to blame Coz fragile is my state of mind To think that maybe I could fall in love. Maybe it’s best to say goodbye.
Posted on 01/04/2009 3:27 PM Comments (0)
December 16, 2007I guess sometimes I should just shut my mouth.
I never want to be the cause of anyone's distress, which is why I find myself a bit of a pushover sometimes.
However, upon stumbling on my friend's blog today, I realized that sometimes, maybe I should actually think before I speak. This link directs to the blog, but if you're too lazy to click it, here's a copy and paste version of it. "I've never noticed the full-boil of my anger towards myself until recently. It hurts even more so because it was my closest friend who chose to say it - no - scream it, out in the open. That is, while we where in a bus. To be fair, we were both strained on that day. Our bitchiness was going to blow-off sooner or later. But I really just hoped for the later.... "I think you're doing a bit much. Are you sure you can handle all of that?" My best friend was obviously drowning in volunteer activities, bills, concerts, school and meetings all mashed up in schedule that week. Her eyes were stormy and vengeful.Then I realized how ugly I was. I realized how fake I was. Maybe I was trying too hard to show myself as someone perfect. Then I thought about how lucky I am to even have friends - really good ones too. I thought about how my stupid impulses had lead to so much trouble for me: financially, socially.... Right now, as I am, I'm not worth your time or attention. Not until I learn, that is. But what's really funny is I'm only happy when I ride on this deep depression. It gives me a feeling - any feeling. Being jaded would be an ultimate hell." I guess the thought of my words contributing to the unhappiness of a friend who considers me her "best friend" bothers me. It's weird, because another friend and I were discussing this matter previously in one of our phone conversation, yet I happen to stumble upon it...today. I guess I kind of feel guilt towards what I had said that day. Sometimes I just don't think about what's about to come out of my mouth...which is probably why sometimes I come off as a mindless, insensitive bitch. Although I have to say -- no matter how cold I may seem -- that I find it odd she would consider me her closest friend, simply because I don't feel that way towards her. I guess...I'm just not close to anyone at all.
Posted on 12/16/2007 1:19 AM Comments (3)
December 6, 2007I'm wearing the skimpiest outfit ever...
...well, not EVER as in...ever in the world.
I mean...ever as in my life. Which makes me think...man, my life is so BLAND. 'Tis for my French project (fashion show), and I'm wearing a white dress shirt, a black corset, a plaid short skirt (black, grey & white with lace), black and white striped knee socks, and apparently I'm going to wear a pair of black Chuck Taylor All Stars. It was so awkward shopping for these clothes today, simply because the places where I bought them from, their dressing rooms had the mirrors OUTSIDE rather than inside, so I had to go out and look at myself in the mirror, in front of the shoppers. When it came to buying the corset...it was so awkward having my friends there. Normally, I'm a medium size, but when I tried on the corset...it wouldn't fit around the bust area (I always seem to have this problem), so I had to get a large size. I felt somewhat embarassed to have to ask my friend to get me a large, seeing as my friends who came with me are all probably smalls/extra smalls. In addition to that, my friend said something that kind of disturbed me, yet made me laugh: "There's something wrong if someone has big brains AND big boobs". Funny, because I don't actually have big boobs, rather, my friends are...flat. The skirt was weird as well. It's a short skirt, and I felt kind of bare whilst wearing it (thank god I was wearing knee socks!). I had to model them to my friends. Blah. Now looking at the outfit...I feel like such a tramp. To make things worse, I have to model this outfit to my French class next wednesday. Heh.
Posted on 12/06/2007 12:25 AM Comments (3)
November 16, 2007Sometimes I wish I weren't a nice kid.
I don't know...
Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick of getting used by others. I'm not a push over, but it's hard for me to say no in a lot of circumstances...because I like to PLEASE people. My friends have been noticing it quite recently, and they're telling me to stop being nice. Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm being TOO nice to people. *Sigh* Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much faith in the unlikeliest people. I always think that people are genuinely good people. I know that's not the case, I guess I've just been naïve lately...among other things. Urgh. I'm so...unhappy right now, and I feel like it's completely my fault. In trying to become a better person in order to compensate for the past, I'm letting others take advantage of me. I really hate myself right now.
Posted on 11/16/2007 11:03 PM Comments (0)
November 13, 2007Haz'za!
I can't seem to concentrate on anything right now...
Which is bad, considering that the end of term is coming up soon, and I need to catch up on some homework. It's almost midnight, and every time I try and go do something, something else distracts me. Now I feel like I'm all over the place. Hm... What the hell happened to me?
Posted on 11/13/2007 11:55 PM Comments (2)
October 2, 2007Top 25 songs.
This is momentary. I know that in about 5 minutes, I'll be changing my mind, so here's my list at the moment.
25) Stolen Babies - Push Button “The more you believe the less that you think. The less that you think, the more that you speak. The more that you speak, the less that you see. The less that you see, the more you believe.” Going onto some avant-garde, I love this song for the fact that it’s not something you hear everyday, and the lyrics stray away from very cliché themes. 24) Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become “So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever tame this animal I have become.” This song SERIOUSLY helps me get my head straight every time I feel like shit, pissed off, or messed up. 23) Panic! at the Disco – Camisado “You’re a regular decorated emergency, the bruises and contusions will remind me what you did when you wake.” This gives a very Christmas-y feeling to me. I don't know why, but I love Christmas. 22) HIM - Buried Alive By Love “The kiss of vanity blessed me with spiritual murder. Fed the gods of war insatiable.” This is my absolute favourite track by HIM. The way it builds up to the climax of the song and lets you down with a pretty cool guitar lick, is just the way to go. 21) Alexisonfire - This Could Be Anywhere In The World “Every step I take, I leave a small piece of myself behind. Soon there will be nothing left.” This song is an example of post-hardcore at its best, in my opinion. The dynamics of the screaming along with the actual melody of the song fits in with each other so well. 20) Panic! at the Disco - Build God, Then We'll Talk “There are no raindrops on roses, and girls in white dresses. It’s sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses.” What’s not to like? This song is not only different, but the use of profound lyrics for complex story telling is excellent. 19) Hedley - Gunnin' “The perfection of my frailty has been questioned and broken.” This song isn’t one that really stands out among the usual top 40 charts. Unexpectedly, however, this was one song that helped me cry my sadness out at more than one time, despite the fact that it’s really difficult for me to cry out of emotion. 18) Hole – Violet “And the sky was all violets. I wanna give the violent more violets.” There’s nothing complicated with this song, but it works oh-so-well by itself. Powerful and expressive. 17) Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer “We’ve got to hold on, ready or not. We live for the fight when that’s all that you got!” Classic glam. Seriously. One of those songs that can seriously lift my mood any time. 16) Aerosmith - Cryin' “Your love is sweet misery.” OMGOSH AN AEROSMITH TUNE! Every time I listen to this song, it always takes me back to such…carefree days of my childhood. 15) Hole – Doll Parts “He only loves those things because he loves to see them break. I fake it so real, I am beyond fake. And someday, you will ache like I ache.” A very melancholy song. Things are kept pretty simple with this song, and is a pretty laid back song to listen to every time I’m sad, that lets me keep sad...in the good way. 14) Flyleaf - I'm So Sick “You sink into my clothes. This invasion makes me feel worthless, hopeless, sick.” This song helps me let out my aggressions. If it wasn’t for this song, I’d probably end up just spazzing out on people when I’m pissed off. 13) Paramore - My Heart “This heart, it beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours.” Despite the cheesiness of the lyrics in this song, for me, it feels…well, heart-felt. 12) Fall Out Boy – 7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen) “I’m having another episode, I just need a stronger dose.” This is what I’d like to call a “Saturday Night” song. You know, when all seems right and calm in the world, and you’re just chilling at home at a Saturday night, and just feel really awesome? Yeah, it’s one of those. 11) blink-182 - Stay Together for the Kids “If this is what he wants, and it’s what she wants, then why’s there so much pain?” Even though I can’t personally relate to this song, it is one song, which I feel just makes a damn good point. 10) Lillix – Tomorrow “Walking down this winding road, rainy days are all I know. I have hit the ground.” This song just seriously takes me back. Every time I listen to it, I still feel like the 12 year old being driven to choir practice in the rain. Rain + long drives = times I never want to end. 9) illScarlett - Nothing Special “Greetings from the part of me who doesn’t want to be a part of this fucking machine.” This song pretty much explains how I feel about my life a lot of the times. 8) Marianas Trench – Vertigo “Is this pound of flesh enough? And I’ll cut away until you say enough.” Can I just go ahead and give the fucking award to this band? This song is very well-polished, the melody is catchy, the harmonies are so smooth, and not to mention to listen to it live is purely amazing. Kudos. 7) Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box “Cut myself on angel’s hair and baby’s breath.” This was one of the songs that got me interested in “alternative” music, and Nirvana in the first place. It could have been the fact that somewhat “disturbing” imagery appeals to me, and I first heard of the song when I saw the video, but it’s still a great track nonetheless. 6) Guns N' Roses – Nightrain “I’m on the nightrain, ready to crash and burn. I never learn.” Damn. Talk about ‘80s hard rock. Every time I listen to this song, there is no doubt that I WILL get pumped up. The same can be said about Welcome to the Jungle, but that song’s a bit too overplayed compared to this one. 5) Marianas Trench - Say Anything “Everybody wants a piece of you, everyone takes a piece of me.” This is just one of those songs that totally hit me by surprise. However, it is one of the songs that kept me listening every single day since I first fully heard it, and never gets old. It’s a very complete song, and is very well put together. 4) Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains “I’m only happy when it rains. You wanna hear about my new obsession? I’m riding high upon a deep depression.” This song holds a very special meaning for me. This was one of the songs that got me through my depressive state a couple of years ago. 3) Garbage – Vow “I can’t use what I can’t abuse, and I can’t stop when it comes to you.” A great example of why most post-’98 musicians can never compare to the earlier musicians. 2) Paramore - Emergency (Crab Mix) “I’ve seen love die way too many times when it deserved to be alive.” This song sums up most of my feelings about love. I prefer the Crab Mix better, however, seeing as the added screaming just adds to the effect of the song. 1) Marianas Trench – Push “Hey, don’t you feel it now? My shiny side down. Hey, burning brighter still, and you’re getting stuck, and you fucked it up.” This is the song that made me fall in love with Marianas Trench in the first place. It takes a step back from Marianas Trench’s usual aggressive style, and is one of the songs that I can listen to over and over again, without getting sick of it.
Posted on 10/02/2007 7:42 PM Comments (1)
September 28, 2007Sometimes I wish I could bury myself deep in the sand and never come out.
Things seem to be happening quite quickly for me.
But everything I see runs in slow motion. All those smiles...the laughter... Faces distorted...laughing fits of anguish. I'm slowly standing still to the world around me. In these moments I cry for weakness. I want the world to end, for this to stop just so I can do it over again. It's getting harder to breathe, to breathe it in. These feelings creeping in back again. But I don't want to.
Posted on 09/28/2007 11:20 PM Comments (0)
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