I guess sometimes I should just shut my mouth

I guess sometimes I should just shut my mouth.

I never want to be the cause of anyone's distress, which is why I find myself a bit of a pushover sometimes.
However, upon stumbling on my friend's blog today, I realized that sometimes, maybe I should actually think before I speak.
This link directs to the blog, but if you're too lazy to click it, here's a copy and paste version of it.

"I've never noticed the full-boil of my anger towards myself until recently.
It hurts even more so because it was my closest friend who chose to say it - no - scream it, out in the open. That is, while we where in a bus.
To be fair, we were both strained on that day. Our bitchiness was going to blow-off sooner or later. But I really just hoped for the later....

"I think you're doing a bit much. Are you sure you can handle all of that?" My best friend was obviously drowning in volunteer activities, bills, concerts, school and meetings all mashed up in schedule that week. Her eyes were stormy and vengeful.

"At least I keep my promises." It was spoken in a deep mumble. The tension was thick and the entire bus went mute.

"What?" Honestly, I was amused. But still, guilt set in behind my grin.

"You missed Alex and Twila's choir performance! You promised you'd be there, but skipped out last minute to go shopping! Is that how you value your friends? You put material things over them?" We both stared at the window for a very long time attempting not to look at each other. The people on the bus chose to do the same or examine their shoes.

Then I realized how ugly I was. I realized how fake I was.
Maybe I was trying too hard to show myself as someone perfect.
Then I thought about how lucky I am to even have friends - really good ones too.
I thought about how my stupid impulses had lead to so much trouble for me: financially, socially....

Right now, as I am, I'm not worth your time or attention. Not until I learn, that is.
But what's really funny is I'm only happy when I ride on this deep depression.
It gives me a feeling - any feeling.
Being jaded would be an ultimate hell."

I guess the thought of my words contributing to the unhappiness of a friend who considers me her "best friend" bothers me.
It's weird, because another friend and I were discussing this matter previously in one of our phone conversation, yet I happen to stumble upon it...today.
I guess I kind of feel guilt towards what I had said that day.
Sometimes I just don't think about what's about to come out of my mouth...which is probably why sometimes I come off as a mindless, insensitive bitch.

Although I have to say -- no matter how cold I may seem -- that I find it odd she would consider me her closest friend, simply because I don't feel that way towards her.
I guess...I'm just not close to anyone at all.

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Comments (3)

	xBeffyxMonsterx: 12/16/2007 6:34 AM awww hope it will be ok... im here for you
	keepxthexfaith: 12/16/2007 9:03 AM Hmm, all I can say is that it's always our friends jobs to be the most brutally honest ones, the ones who show us their feelings the most. Don't worry, I know what it's like to say something before thinking, and then I later regret it badly. But if you look at it this way; at least she's reflecting on herself now and re-thinking about what she's doing. People always take the advice given by their closest friends, or in this case, what they think are there closest friends.
	tippoff: 12/16/2007 11:05 PM Thanks for the feedback. I don't know...perhaps I'm too analytical. Perhaps I just overthink things.